Abandoning All Sanity
by Nymphadora Crashed the TARDIS
Summary: Because all of the best schemes begin at breakfastime.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hey guys! I haven't worked on much fanfiction lately, opting to instead focus on my original stories. But I am back! This is the first chapter of a multipart fic that I've been thinking about for a while. I'm a bit scared of losing focus or of abandoning my story, so if this becomes the case, feel free to yell at me until I fix it. Opinions on my writing are very much appreciated!**

**Chapter One**

It was another bad day of a dull week of a month that couldn't seem to cease, one where the cold seems colder and everyone seems to be out to get you, and not even the hottest of teas could save the day. And Lily Evans needed a hug.

She woke up rather late that Monday morning, and by the time she fully regained consciousness, her traitorous roommates were already up and fully dressed. Of course, Lily was left to rush around the dorm room with messy hair and blotchy skin as they stood around patiently, looking better suited for runways than school hallways.

"Guys, where's my other shoe?"

"How should I know? When we went to bed, you were still downstairs working on that ridiculous essay." Marlene frowned as Lily took a rather painful looking dive under her bed, limbs and hair flying everywhere, making her resemble a rather awkward ginger... thing.

"Hey, is that-" There was a dull thump, a groan, and a pause before Lily started to swear profusely. She wiggled her way out from under the annoyingly bulky piece of furniture looking, if possible, more disheveled than before. Exhausted and still only half-dressed, she slumped down against her bedpost. This was already turning out to be a shitty day.

At least she found her shoe.

"Oh, Lils," Alice knelt down beside her, her tone sympathetic. "I'll do your hair, you get dressed." At times like these, Lily was grateful for her friend's mothering nature.

"You're the best, you are."

Her hair was fixed in almost no time, and when Lily left Gryffindor tower, a red braid hung neatly down her back, her shoes were on the right feet, and her uniform was nary a wrinkle. Maybe the day would turn out well, after all.

* * *

It seemed as though Lily Evans wasn't the only one who wasn't in her best state that morning.

James Potter was flustered.

And when he was flustered, he lost all sense of coordination.

At times like these, passersby should be aware; they were usually in danger of either being knocked down or having something hot spilled on them.

Unfortunately for Sirius Black, the latter happened to him one morning at breakfast. And it _hurt._

"... and then her bloody cat attacked me!" ranted Sirius through a mouthful of sausage. "They're out to get me, they are. The both of them. Oh, and the best part? I talked to McGonagall about it, and all she did was tell to me shut my trap."

Remus glanced up from his latest edition of the Prophet to study his friend closely. Throughout the years, he has learned the hard way to never take anything Sirius Black said literally. "McGonagall told you to shut your trap." It was more of a statement than a question, spoken as if he didn't believe a word that popped out of Sirius' mouth. Which, truth be told, he didn't.

"Yes," Sirius bit his lip, reconsidering. "Well, no. Not those exact words, but you could tell she was thinking it."

"I don't blame her." it was hardly more than a murmur, but Sirius heard him nonetheless.

"What d'ya say?"

"Forget it," ignoring the other boy's glare, Remus sighed and chose his next words with great care. "Look, once you're done playing the role of the spoiled little prince, you might want to consider the possibility that you may have done something to offend Emma."

"And her cat."

"And her cat," Remus rolled his eyes before continuing. "Think back to a few days ago. What the hell did you do?"

"I don't know! The last time I spoke to her was during our date last weekend. And then nothing. No notes, no after-hours hookups," a sour expression started to creep up onto Sirius' face. "You don't think I'm losing my touch, do you?"

Remus, however, was not worried. He was not wearing an expression that showed any concern for his fellow Marauder. On the contrary, he was deadpan, knowing exactly where this conversation was going. "Sirius, really. What happened on that date?"

"Um, we were sitting in that ridiculous coffee shop and that really hot fifth year walks in, and you can't blame a bloke for just looking, now can you?" Remus just looked at him in stunned disbelief. "She has nice tits, doesn't she James? Anyways-" Unknownst to Sirius, who was still ranting, James' attention was wavering, now focusing on the tight-knit circle of seventh years sauntering into the Great Hall. One particular redhead stood out to him, chatting animediately on the side with a fair girl named Alice.

Lily Evans.

In their first year, Lily was simply the girl whose pigtails he enjoyed pulling. He'd pull a prank on her, she'd get mad and stomp off, whatever book she was reading at the time clasped firmly in her hand.

Their little routine worked well until fourth year. Childish James turned into Awkward Adolescent James, who always seemed to get tongue-tied around this particular girl. Being in her presence made him awfully self-conscious, and like any other teenage boy, he resorted to cheeky grins and showing off to get her attention.

It worked, in a manner of speaking. Everytime James asked her out, she grew to dislike him more and more. And he fell for her harder and harder.

"You could always ask her out, you know." James snapped out of his reverie at the sound of Remus' voice. It was apparent that he didn't have any patience for Sirius' senseless babbling either.

"Cause that turned out well the past few hundred-" James' defense was cut short when he caught a bit of red walking by out the corner of his eye. Time for the usual emergency procedure- a clever change of subject. "Quidditch! Go Gryffindor! Let's kick some Ravenclaw ass!" He raised his coffee mug with enthusiasm, and regardless of how smooth he thought he was being, his best friend's school shirt now proved otherwise.

"Fucking hell, Prongs, that's hot." James face now matched the very shade that caused him to lose concentration. Lily Evans kept walking by, slightly preoccupied, but not too busy to toss him a teasing smile as Sirius jumped up and down beside him, trying to dry off his coffee stained shirt.

"Ask the girl out and save us all the pain, won't you?"

"It's not the right time." His lamest excuse yet. He must be slipping.

It wasn't like James didn't want to ask Lily out. On the contrary, he wanted nothing more than to walk side by side with her in the halls, taking her hand whenever he fancied. Or to spend entire Saturday afternoons at the lake, or to interrupt their Head patrols with quick snogs in nearby broom closets. Anything other than the awkward half friendship they had going; a state where they hung out and laughed at each other's jokes, but never dwelling into any deeper topics than the day's events, never getting closer than a few inches from each other. James was growing half mad, and yet he didn't want to threaten this fragile companionship lest being sent back down to being nothing more than the dirt on her shoe. They were friends, but it wasn't time. Not yet.

"Trust me, Prongs, I'm Hogwarts' leading expert on the opposite sex-"

"Padfoot, you're my best friend and all, but I really don't think-"

Sirius got defensive. "On the contrary, I've dated tens of girls-"

"That's not a good thing, seeing as you're seventeen-"

"Just because I've never been in a relationship lasted longer than two weeks, it doesn't mean I don't know the dating game," huffed Sirius. Patting James on the shoulder, he scanned the boisterous eating hall. "Just about every girl- and a hefty number of guys- in this school want to get a piece of ol' Padfoot. Trust me, I know what to do."

"I wouldn't go so far as to say they all lust after you, Pads." Remus said in a passive, almost bored voice, as if he has had this conversation before. Which, for the record, he had.

Sirius paid no heed to the interruption, proceeding with his egotistical speech. "James. You desperately need girl advice, and if you won't listen to me, we'll go to the next best thing."

"Which is...?"

Becoming exasperated by his friend's complete lack of common sense but far too eager to help him out, Sirius did the impossible and put his breakfast down long enough to talk some sense to his friend. "Find a girl, get her to reveal the tricks of the trade, woo Lily, leave the rest of us in moderate peace."

"No way am I-"

"Look, there's Marlene. You can ask her about what really turns a girl on, and once you do-"

"Padfoot, I'm going to have to stop you right there." Remus looked James straight in the eye, a gaze which reminded the latter of being scolded as a child. "The idiot doesn't know a thing. If you want to worm your way into anyone's heart, chocolate is the way to go."

"Sure you're not just thinking of yourself there, mate?" Remus just gave him a good swat over the head in response.

"But quite honestly, no girl in their right mind would answer to that," said James, returning to the mess that was Sirius' idea.

"I'll take that as a challenge," turning to his left, Sirius leaned down the Gryffindor table to catch the attention of Marlene, his perfect candidate. It was no secret that Marlene was a boy magnet. Regardless of age or house, most people, guy or girl, would fall for Marlene at least once in their school career. If there was anyone who could help them, it would be her. "Hey, McKinnon!"

"We're not gonna figure out how I'll get Lily if we ask a straight girl!" James whispered frantically to his friend. "I'll only end up seeming gay and friend-zoning myself!"

"Ye of little faith. Look, I've got her attention."

Sure enough, there was an exasperated sigh before Marlene turned to place her dark eyes upon Sirius' own. "What now, Black?" she snarled, raising a fair eyebrow. "I already told you, hell's freezing over before I sleep with you."

Sirius simply gave her a cheeky grin. "It's not about that this time, my dear," Receiving only a sharp glare from Marlene for the use of such an atrocious pet name, he cleared his throat and hastily moved on. "Actually, it's James that requires your services."

"I'm not sleeping with him, either." Becoming frustrated, she went to turn back to her friends when Sirius slid into the bench beside her.

"Fuck off."

"We seriously need your help," he looked her straight in the eye. "Siriusly."

"Ugh, just spit it out."

"We want to know what turns your best friend on."

As per usual, he said this rather loudly. A hush temporarily fell over nearby students, all wondering what on earth the attractive boy was yelling about, but at least Marlene was now intrigued. Of course she would be. Amused smile set upon her face, she left her plate of pancakes and scooted down the bench to join the rest of the Marauders. "Oh?"

"I think the sexual tension between them is becoming a bit much, don't you think?"

"What are you insinuating, Black?" Her words were neutral but her smirk said otherwise. Sirius grinned. Two attractive genius masterminds behind the plan, check.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: No, I haven't abandoned this fic, I've just been busy with school and what not. Aaaand the fact that I actually have little clue as to where this story is going. But I guess I can think of it as an experiment of sorts, right? :S**

The area around the entrance to the library was a breath of fresh air from the rest of the school halls; serene, empty save for the occasional student making a beeline to the room, afternoon horribly filled with the dullest of schoolwork. Here and there was a first year, a fifth year, the occasional teacher, most of which passed by taking a hurried second look back at Sirius Black. The boy in question was sprawled against the wall of the hallway, uniform untucked and nary a book in sight.

While James had spent his share of time with his nose in a musty book, cramming theories and laws into his head until even the thought of working at the Ministry became unappealing, Sirius did not. He didn't have the patience to sit still in a shiny wooden chair, eyes glazing over as he stared into the black and yellow pages of heavy tomes.

It's not that he wasn't bright, oh no. Sirius' mind was quick, if a bit clouded over by his enlarged ego and years of overindulgence in Firewhisky. He didn't care much for school, and while some saw this as a waste of potential, he has his future success lying outside the expectations as outlined by teachers.

And thus, catching a glance of the handsome boy in the area outside of the library was rare indeed. Yet there he was, a sight that shocked even James as he approached his good friend.

"Alright, Padfoot, I know you said you needed to meet me at the library," he began as he struggled with his pile of textbooks. "But I gotta say, I did not expect you to actually be here."

Sirius was distracted, glancing right and left in the hallway, searching through faces blurring by. "I don't know what you're talking about, I've spent many a late night in here."

"Half undressed and pressed up against a girl, no doubt." James muttered.

"You got me there," Sirius' face brightened as he spotted the object of his search. "James, you got here just on time. Oi, Marlene!"

The fellow classmate approached them with a wary expression. If there was any possibility of Marlene being happy on any level about heading to the library, it was gone upon setting sights on the two boys. "Black, what the hell are you doing here?" She stopped in front of the pair, balancing her books in her arms.

"I'm here to finish the discussion we started this morning."

"Come again?"

"You know, my plan involving getting our two best mates to fuck it out and stop being so annoying." James sighed.

"Black, I'm unsure about the... ethics involved in your... plan." Marlene said, rolling her eyes while turning into the library, voice becoming

"Come on, Marlene, you said you'd help!"

"No, Black, I said I was interested in what you had to say," she snapped. "As much as I hate being friends with someone who acts like a lovesick puppy, I can't do that to my friend."

James' head snapped up, suddenly interested with the topic at hand. "Hold on. She said she likes me?"

"Well, no," she admitted. "But it's just a matter of time, I swear. It might be helpful to speed up the process, I suppose."

"So you'll help us?" Sirius inquired, voice so loud he earned himself many fiery glares as he sauntered through the shelves.

"Look," she started. "I'm meeting Lily here now. I'll talk to her, and if she doesn't listen to me, I might go along with a _tamer _version of your little scheme." Sirius smirked. "_Maybe._" She stopped in her tracks and stared the boys straight in the eyes. "I'm gonna go study now with Lily. You will not follow me, you understand?"

"Whatever you say," Sirius said. "Come on, James, we can go study over there." Following what was perhaps the most shocking thing James had ever heard come out of his friend's mouth, he turned in search of a spare table.

* * *

"It's yet another day in the wild, and the expedition only gets tougher. We have followed the rare species of Lily Evans into a primitive and somewhat depressing region known as a _library_. We can only hope that this will be the breakthrough all of us have been hoping for, that this will be-"

"One more word from you, boy, and you're out of the library!"

James had been stupid to believe that Sirius was actually going to be, well, serious about studying. He was naive enough to think that all thoughts of matchmaking and love would be out of Sirius' head the moment he hit the books, and he himself could go back to admiring Lily from afar. No such luck. They had not, in fact, found a table, and opted instead to crouch behind shelves not too far from where Marlene and Lily sat. According to Sirius, it was all for the greater good.

"Sirius, this is ridiculous," James started. "I already know Lily likes to read and that she's friends with Marlene. There's nothing more we can learn from here."

Sirius made a _tut_ing sound. "That's because you're not skilled in the art of deduction," he looked up at the sight of the arrival of the remaining Marauders. "Ah, the boys are here. Shall we can get started?"

Fucking hell, there went his planned afternoon of studying.

* * *

So much for the library being a safe haven, of being a place where thoughts could run free and uninhibited. Lily couldn't think, every potential thought being squashed down and ruined by the tiniest of sounds. There was a group of first years a couple of tables over, and the Marauders behind a bookshelf to her left, who, by any chance, may as well been a group of first years by the way they were behaving.

A thump came from the bookshelf, followed almost immediately by a strained yelp. Curiosity growing with every moment, Lily spared a moment to look up from her- er- _homework_, and tried to make out the shapes fidgeting through the gaps of ancient volumes. Four figures, each more restless than the next, were crouched on the ground, about as impatient as a child playing a drawn-out game of hide and seek.

Not like any of them knew what hide and go seek was. Or did they? No matter how much time she had spent in the magical world, child wizard games were a complete mystery to her.

An offended _Hey! _reached her ears, sounding very much like an irritated Remus Lupin, then a strangled choke as something heavy hit the ground. That was it, what _was_ going on? Lily leaned over the table. "What do you think they're up to this time?"

"Sorry, who?"

"James and his little group, that's who. Their hiding spot isn't exactly discreet."

"I don't know what they could be up to," she replied through gritted teeth. "It's not the cleverest of ideas, is it?"

Lily eyed her friend. "Is everything alright between you guys?"

"Of course, why?"

"You seem tense all of a sudden. I thought it was my job to hate the lot," Lily joked.

"I don't hate them," Marlene retorted, slightly defensive, voice getting louder with each word. "I just hate how Black always has to bring his _entire posse _around to carry out his _stupid plans _for him."

Lily simply stared at her longtime friend. Sometimes, it was best not to ask.

**Input of any sorts is very much appreciated! :D**


End file.
